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[12 Dec 2010|08:33pm]
stay with me, at least till the morning, and i owe you all my life
i believe i've had all that i can stand of being in love
and i can see the feel of compassion in your hands, in your eyes
just hold me and tell me everything is alright
hide with me beneath the covers
we are safe here in my bed
just hold me and tell your mother that you're staying here instead
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[12 Dec 2010|08:23pm]
(i need the steady of you and i'd give you anything that i could cut with sweet precision from beneath my tender skin)
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[23 Nov 2010|08:44pm]
"But soon we shall die and all memory of those five will have left earth, and we ourselves shall be loved for a a while and forgotten. But the love will have been enough’ all those impulses of love return to the love that made them. Even memory is not necessary for love. There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning"
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[17 Nov 2010|09:40pm]
how did i get so lucky? or when will someone wake me from this dream?

could i be any happier? overwhelmed with love.

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[17 Sep 2010|09:34pm]
happy happy happy
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[28 Aug 2010|09:08pm]

my days are full and my nights are planned, but i just want to be with you

heart condition. you give me a heart condition..

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[08 Aug 2010|11:03pm]
& your shoulders are the perfect sea in which i get lost invariably
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Lovers - R. Brautigan [05 Aug 2010|07:00pm]

I changed her bedroom:
raised the ceiling four feet,
removed all her things
(and the clutter of her life)
painted the walls white,
placed a fantastic calm
   in the room,
a silence that almost had a scent,
put her in a low brass bed
with white satin covers,
and I stood there in the doorway
watching her sleep, curled up,
with her face turned away
   from me.

remove the clutter of my life, please...
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[31 Jan 2010|11:41am]
i wish that i could pick you up and fold you like a ribbon. i'd keep you always, and in secret, in the pockets of my clothes.
but this is how i live my life, with all the parts that i was given. this is the heart that i was given, and what you're given can be sold.
remember me the way you knew me best

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[11 Jan 2010|01:09am]

the sequence of life is strange. it's strange how things sometimes happen just when they need to happen. it's difficult to think of the untimely death of uncle bob as good in any way, but if it had to happen at any moment in my life (and i mean moment as in what was going on, not the actual time), it happened at the correct one. just as i was so down on myself, so down on everything, faithless, lonely, and lost. forgetting myself and what is important to me and what my responsibility to the world is. as i was cursing my propensity to uncontrollably love and care, and the tendency i have to extend myself too far.... bam, devastating news. and while it has been so difficult, such a struggle... it's brought me back to a good place in my mind. remind me of the things that matter... love and care and loyalty and honesty and family (which is not exclusive to blood relatives) and truth and morals. i remember now that love and time are the most valuable things i have, and i must spend and share them not selfishly, but wholeheartedly. and deeply. these things matter most. everything else will fall into place.

it's not only being surrounded by my beautiful and wonderful family that reminded me of this, in and of itself. the funeral was possibly one of the most intense experiences i have ever had, and it was so necessary. i often try to ignore difficult things that come into my life rather than dealing with them head-on... i convince myself that if i don't acknowledge them, they will go away. (they don't usually go away, and i usually only ignore them superficially). and that i did with uncle bob's death... i tried to keep myself from reality. and the funeral was the first time, aside from when i saw my dad the morning of the 17th, that i had been honest with myself. this really hurts. this is really hard. this will continue to be really hard. but seeing the church packed, so full of people who loved bob. who he truly reached in his life. that is what is important. my family is important, my friends are important, and every living creature on this earth is important and part of my life if they accept it. and now i realize again that it is my duty to make sure i accomplish what i know i am perfectly made to do. i have already and will continue to change the course of life in this city, on this planet, in this entire universe.

and the universe could be such a sad and lonely place with so much literal darkness. i found myself struggling the night of the 17. i laid in bed and i knew something was wrong... my parents' light was on at 4am, and i assumed something was wrong with grandpa. but i stayed in bed, hugging indi, whispering to her, hoping that everything was alright. and all i could do was hope. i wanted soooo badly to be able to pray, to feel like it would do any good, to feel like there was some way i could have power in what was happening. it's so difficult to want to believe in something soo badly, but not to be able to. i want to be able to have faith so badly... i can hardly think of something i long for more. and i don't feel empty without it, but i do feel a bit stranded. but the joys of living are now amplified, and there are so many of them, and i have so many good people in my life and many more will come and that is something that makes me very happy.

"our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. for they are us; we are only wilted leaves on the tree of life" - a. einstein
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[10 Jan 2010|12:14pm]
and i was a fool for ever thinking i could change someone who's affections were so fleeting.
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[17 Dec 2009|08:52am]
"Always remember there was nothing worth sharing like the love that let us share our name"
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[12 Dec 2009|10:31am]
my mother is very wise and i am very not.
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[11 Dec 2009|12:01am]
"i never knew the heart could take such a beating and still beat so much"
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[29 Nov 2009|10:26pm]
it’s a strange feeling to have my heart occupy so many places at once. Perhaps it is not so much in many places, but stretched between them. When I was little, I had the naïve notion that there was only enough heart in my chest for one person. But as I have loved over the years, to varying degrees and intensities, I have learned that this is not the case. I now think that this tightness in my chest is not an emptiness or a void, but a stretching. My heart is being pulled in so many directions, and that is where the difficulty, the pain, and the beauty all lie. From eight miles south, he has held on the longest, and tightest, refusing to let go. The measure of the grasp has varied, and there have been moments when I thought he was on the verge of letting go. Now, however, his hold is steady and persistent and comforting. Yet he claims an unequal segment, and at times I wish he would let go. One took my heart quickly and intensely and quite unexpectedly, didn’t mean to grab so tight, but stretched me four thousand miles to the northeast, so far that I actually felt my heart begin to tear. Another took hold twice and let go twice. My heart still feels the reverberations of that part coiling back into place. My heart is loosely held by one more and the uncertainty makes it uneasy.
It is this stretching, this pulling, this unbelievable tautness, that makes it hard to breathe sometimes. The slightest weight on my heart feels so heavy, and I don’t know how much more my heart can extend.
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[22 Nov 2009|08:51pm]
disappointment is the worst.
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[16 Nov 2009|06:28pm]
And the men that I've known, they don't know what I meant, and cupid's arrow is backwards and bent when it's flying for me.
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[06 Nov 2009|06:44pm]
there's a box full of mix tapes with titles you came up with. they can show us where we came from but not how to get back there.listening to the songs can't heal my fingers. it's just weight for the anchor to keep your ship here.
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[25 Oct 2009|08:52pm]
"Often a man wishes to be alone and a girl wishes to be alone too and if they love each other they are jealous of that in each other, but i can truly say we never felt that. We could feel alone when we were togeher, alone against the others. It has only happened to me like that once. I have been alone while I was with many girls and that is the way that you can be most lonely. But we were never alonely and never afraid when we were together. I know that the night is not the same as the day: that all things are different, that the things of the night cannot be explained in the day, because they do not then exist, and the night can be a dreadful time for lonely people once their loneliness has started. But with Catherine there was almost no difference in the night except that it was an even better time. If people bring so much courage to this world the world has to kill them to break them, so of course it kills them. The world breaks every one ad afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry." - Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms
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[20 Sep 2009|09:30am]
the seasons are always changing and my love's always rearranging and my heart has just been hanging and waiting. and our lives aren't burning and our world isn't turning, and i don't know about love, but i'm learning.
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